The Fast and The Furious
by DSieya
Summary: “I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic.” Penny teaches Sheldon to drive. Set between TADD and TExA. sheldon&penny, two-parter, rated for language


**Originally posted at Paradox, the Sheldon/Penny LiveJournal community. Part 1 of 2. Spoilers (sorta) up to The Excelsior Acquisition.  


* * *

**  
"Penny?"

Penny shook her soda once, rattling the ice against the cup, and drank noisily through the straw. It made that annoying gurgling noise as the last dregs of watery Coke disappeared.

She looked at Sheldon inquiringly.

He continued, "Will you teach me to drive?"

* * *

_Four Hours Earlier  


* * *

  
_"You ready for this, Sheldon?"

Sheldon just gave her a sulky look (he was probably going for disdainful), and crossed his arms across his chest, pointedly staring in the other direction.

Penny ignored this.

"We're going to go seeeeee..." She drew the word out like a wrestling announcer, and, in her perkiest, most annoying voice, piped, "The Fast and the Furious... _five_!"

Sheldon's expression right about now was worth pretty much everything in the world.

Then he did something really freaky and unexpected: he leaped out of his seat like a wolf spider and tore down his hallway. Seconds later, Penny heard a door slam, and it wasn't until then that she caught up.

"Don't. you. _dare_!"

Within moments, she was at his door, hearing an odd scraping on the other side as if he were pushing his dresser up against it.

_Bam bam bam_.

"_No_ Sheldon!"

_Bam bam bam_.

"You're coming out of there!"

_Bam bam bam_.

"You _promised_!" Penny whined this more than anything, but she wasn't able to help it.

There was no answer.

If he managed to barrier himself in until the movie began, she was going to kick his ass so hard her foot was gonna come out of his mouth.

"This isn't _fair_!"

This started two weeks before: Sheldon had lured Penny out of her apartment, saying that he and the boys were going to see a screening of the Star Trek movie. Thinking, _hell yeah! Zachary Quinto_, Penny had agreed without even asking any important questions.

Namely, '_Which_ Star Trek movie?'__

Penny would never—_ever—_make that mistake again.

She had sat through what felt like days of some of some of the lamest, most horrifyingly not-even-funny _bad_ images being soaked into her brain—oh, yeah, this includes pictures from Wolowitz—apparently in order to be the tiebreaker of an old score between Sheldon and Raj.

And it wasn't as if Sheldon had been subtle about it.

"So, Penny, I have a spontaneous question," Sheldon had stated as they made their way into the theater lobby. "If you were forced to decide between—oh, let's see—_Star Trek V: The Final Frontier—_" At Penny's blank look he clarified, "We watched it one week three days ago, and you kept interrupting to complain about your friend Melissa being a 'stupid lying backstabbing bitch'—" He cleared his throat. "Anyway, and _this_ movie—_Star Trek I: The Motion Picture_—" (He'd said this very carefully and clearly, giving her a 'reassuring' smile that made her wrinkle her lip) "—which would you choose as worse?"

Penny'd known which one Sheldon had wanted her to choose, since he had gone through all this trouble to make _sure_ she had the big-screen version of this movie burned onto her retinas and—probably deliberately—giving her false hopes of a big-screen version of Zachary Quinto. And this was even before he'd lost all subtlety with the way he'd asked his question—oh, he was getting better at this. He still wasn't good enough, but she'd been momentarily impressed.

And she had been willing to play along, if—

Raj had started to whisper a protestation in Howard's ear, and Penny'd taken advantage of this distraction to lean up close to Sheldon and say, "I'll take your side—but I demand payback."

And Sheldon had peered at Raj, narrowed his eyes, and nodded once.

"I've decided!" Penny'd exclaimed. "This last one was worse. Definitely worse. I'm gonna have to erase it from my memory by watching—"

"_The Voyage Home_," Sheldon had prompted in her ear.

And now, two weeks later, Sheldon was doing a shit job at holding up his end of the bargain.

"I'm gonna tell Raj I changed my mind!" she shouted.

No answer.

"I'm gonna sit in your spot!"

No answer.

"I'm gonna whistle!"

Penny heard the cut-off beginnings of a strangled groan.

She allowed herself a smirk before going back into her Disney days, and began to whistle the tune of _It's A Small World After All_.

She hadn't even got to the second line when there was a scraping again, a few bangs, and Sheldon's door flew open. And before he was able to retreat or issue any undeserved strikes he had brewing up in him, Penny locked her fingers around his forearm and dragged him out of there.

On the way to the theater, Sheldon remarked, "I read reviews for this movie online." And, when Penny didn't encourage him, he tried a different tactic, "And I'm feeling sick." There was a pause in which she felt him staring at her, and for one of the rare times in her life she kept her eyes on the road.

And, when out of the corner of her eye she saw his jaw open again, she smacked her foot down on the breaks.

Penny was able to hear the passenger seat-belt catch, then make a cranking noise as it gave against Sheldon's weight because, let's face it, there was a reason she got a discount on the car. (That, and she found it on Craigslist.)

She would have been more willing to compromise on the movie choice, but earlier in the evening she'd checked her Facebook and that same backstabbing bitch Melissa had said she was going to the eight o'clock showing of _The Fast and The Furious V_. And if Sheldon was in that theater, well, _that_ sure was a way to ruin the night out, wasn't it. Thank god Facebook was so stalker-friendly.

Penny smirked to herself. That'll teach her to give out the wrong time for an audition the both of them were going too. 'Accident' her ass.

They barely made it on time, and Penny treated both of their tickets and bought Sheldon an Icee and some Twizzlers to shut him up. He turned his nose up at the Twizzlers but accepted the blue rasberry Icee with just a little grumbling.

"I'll find us seats," he rushed to say, clutching his Icee as if it was the only known in a strange and frightening world. Penny shrugged and followed him into Theater Four.

It was relatively empty, being a Tuesday evening and opening night being several weeks before. Penny instantly scanned the rows, and Melissa stuck out due to a sparkly silver shirt that looked like it was bought for a Y2K New Year's party. Penny loitered by the first step as Sheldon hurried amongst the rows, then seemed to choose a spot three rows behind Melissa and a few seats over.

Perfect. In such an empty theater, his voice would certainly carry.

She attempted to be inconspicuous as she made her way up the stairs, but then Sheldon did the second freaky and unexpected thing of the night: he honked.

Penny stopped dead in her tracks, then let out a startled burst of laughter.

Melissa and her boyfriend wrenched around in their seats, staring, but Sheldon just shook his head in a dissatisfied way and relocated down one row and next to the other aisle.

And he honked again. And again.

Penny couldn't even be embarrassed that's how awesome this was. Sheldon was a fucking _weapon_; she was gonna start taking him everywhere.

She wasn't quite able to open her eyes through her laughter, but Sheldon honked and "_hooooh_"d and "_nnnngyah_"d his way through the rows before she was able to get a hold of herself. She managed to get on the side of _not_-dying-from-laughter in order to watch Sheldon usher Melissa and her boyfriend out of their seats and send a triumphant smile down at Penny, sweeping his arm down toward his findings.

Penny was so giddy she made a fake curtsy in response.

* * *

  
"_That's_ not physically possible," Sheldon sneered halfway through the movie as a car leaped the gap between two highways.

"Tell me about it," Penny agreed, knowing that he was going to take it literally.

He started to explain the prerequisites that would make _any _such leap possible, and how it was the car _definitely_ did not have the ability to do that because—

The two people seated closest to them, the two people Penny was trying her hardest to annoy, sharply turned their heads halfway to the side—the universal movie-goer's cue for "shut the hell up!"

Penny ignored them. Sheldon, she was sure, didn't notice.

Finally, the date-guy-whatever gathered the balls to turn around.

"Hey, geek." He was one of those Kurt-like men that Penny used to go out with. "Put a mute on the running commentary, will ya?"

He probably wasn't expecting Sheldon to outright say, "_No_," and continue further, "I'm educating you. Sit back down." Then he added, as if he had forgotten, "Please."

Whatever-his-name-was blubbered for a moment, not having anticipated this, before exclaiming, "I don't _want_ to be educated!"

Yeah, okay, this wasn't going to stop Sheldon doing what he probably felt was a favor.

"Clearly."

"Hey _I can take you—_"

"Take me where?"

Melissa, still facing the screen, laid a hand on her date's arm. He sent one last glower at Sheldon, lingered his gaze on Penny, probably wondering why she was innocently sipping her Coke and glancing between the two men like she was at a tennis match, and settled down in his seat.

Sheldon shut up because the car scene suddenly became a sex scene. It was a little awkward because it, well, it was _Sheldon_, and Penny peeked a little to see if he was covering his innocent eyes or whatever his mom taught him to do twenty years ago.

Nope. He was viewing the scene dispassionately, his eyes narrowed a little as if he was, like, _analyzing_ it or something. Penny looked away quickly, focusing on the scene, and thought that if Sheldon had been an art major (ha, Sheldon, art major) he'd probably be criticizing the way it tried to be all classy and stuff with the image-blurring and music. And stuff.

Thinking about this she totally missed the beginning of the next scene where a Lamborghini was somehow on the hook of a giant crane and was swinging around like a really expensive piece of fishbait.

If she were with anyone else, she would have leaned over and whispered, "wait, I missed something, how...?," but Sheldon was already _on_ it, in some sort of fury as if nothing else in the universe mattered.

Penny leaned away, gripping her soda, hoping his gesturing wouldn't hit someone (namely, her) or knock something over (namely, her drink) what with how awkward he was.

Melissa and Date began to grumble and mock what Sheldon was saying, igniting a flare of protectiveness in Penny's chest. She considered her soda, wondering if emptying it over their heads was cause for getting kicked out.

"Ex_cuse_ me." Penny glanced at Sheldon, and he was frowning at the back of their heads. For a second she thought he was hurt, making her begin to edge the plastic top off of her soda, until he said, "_Some_ people are trying to watch the film."

Oh of course.

And it was now that Melissa finally turned around.

She opened her mouth, one side of her lip hiked up in a sneer, then caught sight of Penny, and stopped. Penny, lips wrapped around the straw, grinned and waved her fingers at her.

Then she jumped. "Oh! You were going to _this_ showing of _Fast and Furious_?" Penny asked, pointing a finger down to the ground. "Sil-ly me; I meant to go to a different one, but I guess I got the time wrong again, huh?"

Melissa leveled a stare at her for a moment, looking a _little_ sheepish (which Penny took as a victory), then she nudged her date. "Let's go; this movie blows anyway."

"I don't assume to know anything about the street-racing subculture," came Sheldon's voice to her left, "but I highly doubt anyone but an experienced stunt-driver would be able to pull the parking-break skid with such precision."

Penny, who was grinning after her triumph, glanced at Sheldon. Of course he'd lost all interest in the exchange as soon as it stopped including him.

"That's 'cause it _is_ an experienced stunt-driver, Sheldon."

She shook her soda, getting down to the ice.

"Well, I know _that_, but he isn't so in the movie. Unless perhaps street-racing is his hobby and being a stunt-driver is his day-job—"

Slurping her soda, Penny reflected this was actually a little fun. Normally she couldn't sit through these kinds of movies unless she spent a good three-quarters of the time making out with someone, but if she focused half on his voice and half on the movie, well, it wasn't the _ideal_ way to spend an evening, but it wasn't horrible.

As she thought about this, she didn't notice that Sheldon had stopped talking, and was focusing intently on the various closeups of the driver on his vehicle, handling the clutch and the stick and the wheel.

"Penny?"

Penny shook her soda once, rattling the ice against the cup, and drank noisily through the straw. It made that annoying gurgling noise as the last dregs of watery Coke disappeared.

She looked at Sheldon inquiringly.

He continued, "Will you teach me to drive?"

* * *

_One Hour Later_  


* * *

  
They were alone in the Pasadena City College parking lot, the street lights burning above their head, distorting in the smudges on her windshield.

Sheldon was in the driver's seat, everything adjusted to perfection, his knuckles white and sharp against the wheel. The car was at a standstill but idling, and every now and again the engine would rev from his trembling foot.

This was more terrifying to see when she wasn't worrying about whether or not her arm was gonna fall off or something. Penny drew in a breath, and let it out, trying to calm down herself.

"You ready for this, Sheldon?"


End file.
